| Of Favourites, Part One |
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| 04:41pm 19/05/2009 |
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mood: thoughtful music: None.
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My favourite movie is Labyrinth. Not for the movie, the pleasure of watching it, or anything else really. But for the fantasy of it. A world constructed entirely for a woman, to please her, from aspects of herself. I never understood what more anyone could want from life. And so I always want to stop the movie early (much like Phantom of the Opera), but I enjoy it all the same.
Only recently was the reason for this revealed to me: I feel a strong need to fit in, and that need is paired with a stubborn insistence that I will not change for the sake of fitting in. This means, of course, that any need to fit in is necessarily going to go unfulfilled. And, given my need for Integrity of Self, I am happier in that mode than I would be altering myself. (I've tried the self-alteration route, it makes me neurotic and ashamed to a degree that it is absurd -- even if the changes are minimal and merely the requirements of normal social interaction.) But the fantasy of finding the perfect surroundings to suit me is, of course, ever-present. I'm closer to fulfilling that now than I ever have been, but the occasional itch still strikes.
I wanted to say more, but that's all I really feel like recording right now. Maybe I'll talk about music later. In the long run, that's had a more significant... effect? statement? in these sorts of matters. |
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Read 3 - Post |
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| One of these things is not like the others. |
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| 03:32pm 24/03/2009 |
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mood: Thoughtful. music: None.
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Going to the pediatrician always reminds me of normal parents.
Last time a woman was singing nursery songs to her newborn in an attempt to calm her down.
I don't know nursery songs. Mostly, I sing Bach and Palestrina to Sebastian. Occasionally I'll throw in some Cure or HIM, but he likes the Freshman Chorus songs better most of the time. I think his favourite thing to hear me sing is Wie Wunderbarlich. He'll just stare at me, rapt, with a content little smile on his face whenever I do it.
And it's not because I think these songs are better for him to be exposed to than the normal stuff, it's because I don't even know the normal stuff, nor how people become exposed to it. Do they look it up? Do they remember it from their childhoods? What?
It puzzles me.
I don't know nursery games, either, which makes it difficult to answer questions about whether Sebastian finds them fun and seems to engage with them when the doctor asks. I do things that approximate their intent, simply because I find his reactions amusing, and I like seeing what he will and will not react to. (Child development is rather fascinating, and I find no difficultly researching that and devising ways to explore those developments.) But anything scripted? I'm clueless.
Not sure why I'm sharing, really. I guess there's just a sense of alienation from common culture that I tend to feel when I leave the house?
It's a lot like High School. Everyone around me is doing the same thing, and I'm sitting there confused and apathetic instead. |
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Read 2 - Post |
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| Moving on out. Soon... ish. |
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| 01:42pm 07/03/2009 |
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I love Google. It lets me do virtual drive-bys of potential future places of residence.
Now they just need to set up spy-cameras inside every building in the history of the world (and, you know, make you capable of doing the drive-bys everywhere and not just most places), and I will worship them as the earthly manifestation of God.
I'm fairly certain this makes me a freak, but I've always loved house-hunting. It's a pragmatic way to dream, "Oh, but I really could do this, and soon!" I love those sorts of dreams. Small ones. Enactable.
It's a shame we didn't get to do this last year, as far as I'm concerned. (You try finding a place in three days with no car. No fun, is it?)
Things. They will be good. Hopefully.
Heh. |
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| Rambling. |
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| 04:27pm 15/12/2008 |
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My left eye is officially useless now. I'm actually starting to get actively annoyed because the migraine screwed it up to the extent that my prescription is now very, very off. Enough that it gives me a constant, low-key headache. Ah, well. At least I can talk.
In other news, I keep researching computer builds, and am starting to get fairly excited about the process. I'm annoyed that Windows costs $100, but whatcanyado? I'm insane because I actually made certain I'd be able to play a 14-year-old computer game on the new system before I got excited about the prospect of building it. Of course, it'll take some fiddling, but so did getting it to run on XP.
I'm currently reading the user manual for the motherboard I'm planning on getting to make certain that A) I didn't fuck up compatibility anywhere, and B) I'll be able to pull it off at all. 'Cause I've upgraded hardware, I've diddled in BIOS screens, but I've never built a computer from scratch before.
Blah blah blah. Still some time left. Will post specs when it's done, but not sure what we're getting yet, so... meh.
I'm going to wash dishes now. |
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Read 5 - Post |
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| My brain needs help. 4srs. |
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| 11:02am 05/12/2008 |
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So. I had a migraine on Monday.
Weird thing about my migraines: they start in aphasia, proceed to partial paralysis (or at least weakness and tingling, as it was this time), move on to blurry vision (very near to blindness this last time), and then the pain sets in. This is, of course, ignoring all the shit like photophobia/nausea that are par for the course with migraines and just come with the pain.
Now, the weird thing about this last one is that the aphasia hasn't gone away. I'm about 80% back to my normal level of functioning (which, let's face it, was never very high -- this is speaking we're talking about). I still have trouble finding the words I'm looking for (simple ones!) at least once every few sentences, and structuring my sentences grammatically as I speak requires active effort (and failures still abound). And I mean, things have gotten better -- it was a lot worse during the attack, but... I'm just a little concerned because this level of impairment doesn't appear to be going away.
Oh yeah, my vision isn't back to normal either. Everything's stayed a little blurry since the migraine, which has never happened before. Reading is actually mildly difficult now -- I have to strain my eyes to get them to focus enough.
I'm actually vaguely wondering if I've had a stroke, given that these symptoms just don't seem to be going away. Considering the fact that I'm 24, that would be... concerning. I feel ridiculous for even considering it, actually, but cursory research says that it's possible.
I'm just going to hope these lingering symptoms go away and forget about it. |
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Read 1 - Post |
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| Yeah. |
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| 03:10am 10/11/2008 |
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I'm a bit slow to get on the boat, but I downloaded Google Earth. After, of course, seeking out where I currently reside I went to past residences. I couldn't find where my father's side of the family lives at all. The satellites do not care about that part of the world. I felt disappointed, and decided to seek out old schools, since I did not remember any of my older addresses. Found one, and was gratified. My memories were made less fuzzy. Found another, and was saddened by a finding in its immediate proximity. There was a phrase with a marker: "Military housing ready for demolition." So I clicked to head in that direction, and scrolled around, and said, "Yes... yes... I remember that." Everything with a marker, other than that, wasn't important to me. I know I'm looking in about the right place because the airfield by the entrance is impossible to miss. I'm orienting myself with massive swimming pools, and trying to find parks, ballfields... anything I remember from my youth. And I am, finally. Past all the runways, life becomes familiar. Beyond that... I am trying to find memories amongst empty parking lots and upturned dust. And I do. It was California, enough buildings are oddly enough shaped for me to recognise them from the sky. Not all. I keep trying to find the BX and the commissary, but I fear I could only identify them by elimination at this point. But I don't remember enough, and for some reason even attempting to discern such old details is making me teary. Sad. Frightened, from time to time.
Found another place I used to live by having my street name memory jogged while looking up the school nearby. Athena. Of course. And the next street was Minerva. There was a tiny pool in the house directly across the street from us. It belonged to the vice principal of that school. She had genital herpes, the kind with warts. I never wanted to know that. But the pool is still there, and confirmed my memory of where, exactly, on the street we lived. I still could not give you an address.
The grass in front of that house is yellow, as so much in these shots tends to be. I never thought about how much I took that for granted as a kid. I found the place where my brother and I always used to stop for slushies on the way back from elementary school in the afternoons. Distance of the trip was apparently one mile. The walk took half an hour, at least at that age. The convenience store was right in the middle, and very much needed at 3 o' clock in the afternoon. I think we appreciated the air conditioning more than the drinks.
Not sure why I'm doing this, or why I'm getting sad about it. These aren't really times I want to remember. |
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| That was easy. |
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| 11:50am 28/10/2008 |
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I... have my body back.
It's not in peak form, but the measurements are all the same as they were in my default state (ie 38-27-36, 125 lbs).
I guess this means I should resume waist-training and exercising to shave another few inches off my waist and dance around happily now.
Also, my breasts might end up smaller once I finish breastfeeding, from the looks of things. You have no idea how happy that would make me. 32D's are a bitch to find, 32C's are easier, and what I'm hoping for. |
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Read 2 - Post |
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| Music? Yes! |
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| 02:19am 28/10/2008 |
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mood: Tipsy. music: The mix in question.
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( Lyrics. Don't pretend you read them. )
It's just Bright Eyes. Drunk Kid Catholic. The song has always struck me. It's the existential bent, really. Not even that art is what lets us survive and have hope in the world, but that our very existences are our ultimate construction. We choose where we are, for better or worse. Out of the ocean, into the cave. Where would you rather? Religion and alcohol. Where do you hide? What is your artifice, your disguise of choice?
Perhaps it only appeals to me because it mentions both of mine.
I don't even know that I believe in God, but I find the concept too beautiful to resist.
And beauty is all that matters, isn't it?
Love.
( A mix I'm working on. ) |
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Read 2 - Post |
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| Whatever you'd like. |
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| 12:18am 27/10/2008 |
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mood: A bit better. music: Bright Eyes/Neva Dinova - Spring Cleaning
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Music. I forgot about music, too.
And it isn't the music, it's the fact that music serves as a distraction. Same with video games. Same with... other things.
Pascal was right. About everything.
Never let go of your distractions. There is nothing else. |
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Post |
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| Computer woes. |
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| 12:47pm 05/10/2008 |
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My computer is dying. Blue screens of death with various types of error codes, freezing on the "preparing to stand by" screen... I'm pretty damned sure it's beyond redemption. I need to back up the files I've made, buy a new computer, and move on with my life.
The only difficulty is that I don't want to downgrade, and browsing the internet is making me realise that my six-year-old Dell POS is... not a POS. Even by today's standards.
It'll cost roughly $700 to buy a comparable computer without a monitor, and this is only assuming it'd take my outdated graphics card (should work, but I'm paranoid about such things because my knowledge is patchier than I'd like).
In addition: I finally looked at the system specs for Oblivion after assuming for years that my computer wouldn't run it. Now that I've seen them, I'm pretty sure the game would run. Not well, but I never ask for things to run well. I now feel like a moron for not checking sooner. (It probably had something to do with my not being terribly excited about it, given what I've seen/read, but still...)
I don't eat when Karl's on trips (I live on ramen and cereal), so we've theoretically probably saved enough for such a thing, but I don't want to drain the bank account either. Bleck.
I hope I can get another six months to a year out of this thing. The error screens are random and rare enough that I think I might be able to pull it off. Maybe. If I'm lucky. And then the computers I'm looking at would be even cheaper... right? |
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Post |
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| Five days to myself. |
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| 07:03pm 19/09/2008 |
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This week was good for me. Karl was away, which gave me a lot of time to myself. It gave me time to play video games, for one thing.
Note to self: They are essential to your sanity. Don't ever go months without playing again.
Only one particular series, too. I suspect it's just that that universe is the only one I've ever really learned to relax in. I certainly don't do so in real life, online, or playing other series. Just that one. I'm hoping I'll get lucky with other games in the future though. As it is now, that series seems to be dying. At least what I love about it is dying.
Anyway. The alone time also gave me time to read. Fiction, which I haven't earnestly read in years. (No, vampire novels don't count.) Just your typical cyberpunk: Tad Williams' Otherland. And... it helped. A lot. I had forgotten about the importance of beauty (yes, I read some Keats over this past week as well), as well as its presence in ugliness.
And now that's all come back.
In short, I feel myself again. Joy and peace. Dances. |
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Read 7 - Post |
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| Never trust a heart that's so bent it can't break. |
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| 10:11pm 27/08/2007 |
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mood: Contemplative. music: None.
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Towards the end of seminar we ended up speaking a lot about how Don Quixote losing the ability to mold his own destiny was probably a large factor in his downfall, to his loss of faith in himself. And I think there's a lot of merit in that thought, but it doesn't seem to fully capture the problem. The problem came from trying to find his life in books. That was his madness, not the life he chose to live. And the opposition of the world allowed for him to remain stubborn, self-sufficient, and credulous in spite of the source of his life not being himself. Once the world stepped in, believed him, and started designing adventures for him (the duke and duchess), he became miserable. Certainly, some of this is the loss of control. But it was literature, the literature which allowed Don Quixote to become a knight, which gave those nobles the power to manipulate him as they did.
I'm just... trying to figure out how all that plays together. Is it a condemnation of living by dogma and strict rule sets? A cautionary tale of sorts? Don Quixote and Sancho Panza were given their literary-born desires in the real world. It was meant for the amusement of others, but I don't think they ever really caught on to that. But they were miserable, and the granting of those wishes truly does mark the beginning of their decline, and the descent of Don Quixote into sanity -- into loss of faith.
There's some way this all ties together, but I keep dancing around it instead of hitting upon it. At least, I suspect that's what's happening.
I'm a trifle frustrated about that right now.
And as a note purely so that I can remember the particular event (I like to keep track of these sorts of things): You know you've hit on something good when the tutor resurrects one of your comments over an hour after you said it initially. |
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Read 1 - Post |
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| There it is. |
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| 04:34am 14/06/2007 |
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mood: Amused? music: None.
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This explains so many of the arguments from last year's seminar. And a lot of the arguments I tend to engage in generally, actually. |
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Post |
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| Republican debate notes: |
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| 09:20pm 05/06/2007 |
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mood: Stimulated. music: None.
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My thoughts aren't so clear on this one. I was almost completely unfamiliar with the candidates going in, and there are so many of them.
The only conclusions I really came to:
Romney seems to stand for big business and running the country like a business. That's was the only really consistent note I gathered when he spoke. He kept dancing around a bit too much for my taste. I finished listening to him and too often went, 'Wait a minute, but that means [insert unstated conclusion here]. No wonder he didn't say that outright!'
I think I've grown to like McCain, but I'm not sure how much of that is me slowly being converted to the new immigration reform bill. That's politically taboo, but it sounds like it's more good than bad. Anything that's lampooned by both parties does make me wonder if, in the end, it's just right.
Giuliani was castigated by God during the debate, and I must say I feel the same way as the Lord Almighty on that issue. Political differences. I'm a (primarily) pro-life Democrat. We have nothing in common.
The other candidates I couldn't keep straight well enough to comment on. Most of them I liked and disliked in turns, but I really did get a little too confused to say anything of value about them. |
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Post |
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| Further notes for myself (Dem. debate still): |
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| 09:46pm 03/06/2007 |
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mood: Troubled. music: None.
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Hillary dismissed every question/statement she didn't like as a 'hypothetical' not worth talking about. Had a habit of talking about the other people onstage as though they were her cabinet members and personal advisers, usually while commandeering their ideas and trying to make us think she came up with them. I can't figure out if she's legitimately slick, or she just thinks she is. Her answers to questions were all stock political talking points with, if I recall correctly, no real solutions. I found it particularly amusing that her answers to all questions were talking and diplomacy, activities which have no real effect in the world (I mean, come on, look at history), while she dismissed all of her opponents' plans as 'hypothetical.' She struck me as the person who was bringing the least actual planning to the table. I feel like she's giving me platters full of plans that won't work with the full knowledge that they won't work, while insisting that they will work because It Sounds Good. I find this terrifying and not a little bit insulting.
Biden has his heart in the right place. He cares about human life and welfare above all else -- at least, that's how it seems from the debate, and he's passionate about it. He was the only candidate who legitimately seemed to care about the issues that were being discussed, and understood their urgency. He was also the only candidate on the stage who I felt could really get things done. In stages, bit by bit, with a price, and occasionally undiplomatically. Sure. That's how things happen. Anyone who says otherwise is a liar. That's another thing: This man is trustworthy. I'd put my life in his hands any day.
Obama is, as I said, green. He seems to have a very good understanding of the issues and, more importantly, what actually causes these problems to occur. He also seems to have rudimentary knowledge of how to correct a lot of the issues. I don't think he sees the implementation problems he's going to run into. I don't think he anticipates the trouble he's going to have getting people to side with him. I don't think he anticipates the repercussions of all he wants to do. Good heart, good potential, but I really think he needs more time to observe the pragmatic side of politics. He seems very capable, and I think he'll be great in ten years. But he needs that time. He'll be in for more frustration than he's anticipating if he gets elected.
Edwards is a lawyer. This is my predominant impression of him. Good, less-advantaged background, but he spit-shone himself up and earned himself lots of cash and good speaking skills. Good for him, except that it leaves me with the uneasy impression that he's a bit like Hillary in that regard. I think he's a bit more genuine than she is, but not by much. I still get the impression that he's willfully lying to me. He's spitting out plans that won't work, he knows they won't work, and he's still saying it because it sounds good. I don't care how things sound, I care about getting what needs done done. Talkin' pretty ain't gonna do that. (Sorry, too much time around my grandmother -- thinking about a southerner who uses his accent is going to make this sort of syntax slip out.) Certainly, I think he'll do some good in office. I like a few of his ideas. I believe that even he believes in some of his plans. But the integral word in that last sentence is some. And I'm not sure which ones those are, so I'm not inclined to commit to him if I don't have to.
I don't feel like the rest of the candidates warrant much more commentary from me, and I'm going to try to stop thinking about politics now. |
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| After watching the latest Democratic debate: |
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| 09:04pm 03/06/2007 |
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Joe Biden: "There are some things worth losing an election over." Man after my own heart. Wish he had a chance, but will vote for him in the primaries if he's on the ticket by the time I get a turn. I love him. My only regret about him becoming President, should it come to that, is that the Senate might just need him too much to let him go.
I'd vote for Obama, but he's a bit green for my taste. He won't get done half of what he wants to because of that fact. Good ideas. It just won't happen.
I'd begrudgingly vote for Edwards, but I wouldn't like it one bit. Some good ideas. Some bad ones. I don't like his priorities.
I don't trust Hillary as far as I can throw her. Might consider voting Republican if she's the nominee.
Kucinich: My opinion hasn't changed from last time. The ideas are mostly good, but they'd never, ever happen. You need to acknowledge the fact that Republics exist if you want me to take you seriously.
Dodd: Seems an alright sort. I have nothing else to say about him.
Gravel: Entertaining. Not sure why he was there. Feel like a bitch, but there you go.
Richardson: You sound like you make an excellent governor. I doubt your skills would work that well on a national level, and your priorities are certainly more small-scale. Not a problem, just not presidential material.
...Yes, these are mostly meant as notes to myself. |
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